Pure Genius

Peter: Oh yeah? I'm getting something special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinamen boy down the street, more special, like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what did they do with the regular K? And for that matter whatever happened to Kate Ballard? You know if you said mallard, and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Peter do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.

Peter: Good Morning Joe.
Joe: Uh, Peter, what are you doing in my pool?
Peter: This the newest province of Petoria. I call it Johio.
Joe: What? You can't just come over and annex my pool!
Peter: Oh yeah? Well according to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8 of the Geneva Convention, "the."

Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me.
Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The US army.
Peter: Oh, that's a good army.